Okay, I think I’ll take a break from posting Muppet-y fanfiction for a while after I post this one.
As I mentioned in my previous story, I have been thinking about Nadya and her infatuation with Kermit. Even when she found out that Kermit was not Constantine, she kept him in the Gulag. So I’ve wondered if keeping Kermit locked up was done for her sake, to maybe fill a void left by Constantine? Perhaps not so seriously, but the whole point of the film was that the two do look strikingly similar. So I began to think about if Nadya had a relationship with Constantine that might have affected how she reacted to Kermit throughout the film. With that in mind, I came up with the following story.
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A Gulag Connection
A “Muppets Most Wanted” Fanfiction
Written by: Brittany L. Reid
Posted on 4/20/2014 at 3:23 AM
Nadya watched as the bus full of crazy creatures pulled out of the Siberian Gulag. She stood in attention, her arms behind her back and her stature stiff as the vehicle grew smaller in the distance. She tried not to think about the naively moralistic and kind-hearted frog that she had seen being smothered with cuddles by the pig in the front seat. Her heart thrummed against her ribcage as she swallowed the small lump in her throat. She closed her eyes, inhaled the cold, Russian chill, and held her breath, letting it settle in her chest for a moment before releasing it in a huff. She had no time to surrender her mind to thoughts of unattainable happiness. That had almost been ruined her, earlier. No, she had a prison to run. Speaking of which, she glanced down at the irritating Russian frog who was finally back in the clutches of her penitentiary.
“Well Constantine, welcome back. It appears that another one of your ridiculous crime sprees has come on an end.”
“Indeed, Nadya…it appears that we are….together again…huh?” Constantine sneered, looking up at her with a teasing, yet evil smirk on his face. Nadya frowned and her right eye twitched in agitation. Constantine chuckled.
“Yes, yes! I bet you just can’t imagine that I’ve ever been gone! But then, we’re not starting over, it’s just…”
“Can-it, frog! We will have no more of the Muppet foolishness, here,” Nadya said coldly. But Constantine wasn’t fazed. He narrowed his eyes at her a bit before smiling again. He chuckled,
“Ahhh, the Kermit frog…he got to you, yes?”
“Niet, you are imagining things” Nadya said, bending down and picking up the chain that was connected to the shackle that she placed around his neck. She gave the chain a hard yank.
“AGH! Geeze woman, don’t choke me!”
“To your cell, swine.”
“Ah see, now you’ve got me confused with the pig, AGH!” she pulled his chain again.
As Nadya led Constantine down the hallways of the Gulag, the prisoners all gave cheers and hollers at seeing their leader return. Constantine didn’t respond.
“Your comrades missed you again, as always.”
“Eh, they are merely underlings. They are of no real consequence,” Constantine shrugged. It was Nadya’s turn to smirk.
“You say that, but you know you like the attention, Constantine. You are a narcissist. Self-proclaimed ‘World’s Number One Most Dangerous Criminal-Frog,’ please.”
“Eyyyy! It is truth! I only speak truth!” Constantine protested, as they reached a vacated cell. There was a pause as Constantine did a double take, cringed, and looked at Nadya as she unlocked the door.
“Really? After my last escape, this is the cell you stick me with? It is minimal at best! A baby could escape from here! You mock me with this, Nady-ahh!” Constantine cried, as Nadya put her boot on his back and shoved him forward. The frog stumbled and tried to catch himself. Nadya closed the door and locked it.
“Enough with the pushing already!!” he cried.
“Your entrapment here is just temporary until the final preparations for your room in the maximum security prison have been completed. In the meantime, I shall be guarding you, to personally ensure you don’t escape,” she said. Constantine blinked before turning to face her fully, a smile on his face.
“Ah, so I shall have your full and undivided attention; don’t you feel lucky?” he asked before giving a snide chuckle. Nadya rolled her eyes,
“Thrilled,” she deadpanned. She then folded her arms as she leaned against the door.
“You do not prefer a cage that would allow an easy escape, such as this?”
“Eh, I prefer a challenge,” Constantine said as he looked around the cell. “But no need to fret, Nadya. Even criminals need time to recuperate before they tackle their next mission. Sooo, you can let your guard down. Relax, pull up a chair,” he suggested.
“I never let my guard down where you are concerned, Constantine,” she hissed. The frog rolled his eyes and waved a flipper dismissively.
“Right, right, because you did such a good job with that last time.”
“That was merely a fluke!”
“Whatever,” the frog said, scanning the cage again. Nadya narrowed her own eyes. She had seen that look on his face before. ‘Criminals need a rest’ her foot. He was already plotting something; he always was. Constantine froze with his back to Nadya, there was a moment of silence.
“This is my old cell,” he stated. Nadya’s eyes grew wide. Constantine had been a frequent resident of the Big House for many, many years. As he became more dangerous over time, he had to constantly be moved from one holding unit to the next, each more secure than the last. But she hadn’t realized that she’d just placed him in the very same cell where she’d first met him all those years ago; she was more surprised that he remembered and recognized it.
“How can you possibly be sure?” she asked, her voice monotone. The frog shrugged and turned to face her.
“One never forgets his first incarceration in the Gulag,” he said, walking up to the door and threading his fingers through the caged door. He stared at Nadya for a moment.
“It has been a long time, yes?” he asked.
An 8-year-old Nadya stood at her father’s side, bundled up from head to toe. She hated coming here; all of the prisoners gave her the creeps. But her father insisted on bringing her to his job. As she was the oldest of her family, he was training her to take his position as a prison guard once he retired. Her mother strongly disapproved, but papa was head of the household. Currently, he was talking to one of his fellow guards and practically ignoring Nadya. The young girl looked around at the dank and cold surroundings warily. They were in her dad’s office and she was bored out of her mind. Suddenly, there was a commotion in the hallway. The adults in the room stopped talking and made their way to the door to see what was going on. Nadya wasn’t far behind. She pushed her way past their forms to peer around her dad’s legs and outside the door.
It appeared as though some officers were bringing in a new prisoner, but he wasn’t like anyone Nadya had seen before. They had him shackled up; his hands were chained together as were his feet. He also had a scowl present on his face as he kept his head to the ground. Nadya could hear the whispers,
“Is that the delinquent?”
“They finally caught him.”
“He doesn’t look so tough.”
“He’s just a kid.”
“That’s when they start. Doesn’t matter how young he is, he’s a menace.”
“They say he’s insane,” and so the hushed voices continued. To Nadya, however, he didn’t look insane; just irritated and quiet. But what stood out to her the most…was that he was a frog.
Nobody seemed to notice the amphibian’s shifty eyes, but Nadya did. What was he up to? Suddenly, the frog fell to the floor, as if to become dead-weight to those who were dragging him. Startled the officers stopped and bent down to yank him back up. But as soon as they were hovering over him, the frog moved again, charging forward and ramming his shoulder into one guard’s diaphragm. The man lost his breath and fell to his knees. A scuffle ensued as more men advanced on the frog. Nadya really couldn’t see what was happening, but she heard a lot of yelling and crying out. Somehow, they managed to drag him even further down the hallway to one of the vacant cages, and they threw him inside. He landed on the floor harshly, sliding across the ground before banging into the opposing wall. The guards then shut the caged door and commented a few Russian, derogatory terms to Constantine, before spitting through the cage and into his cell. With that, they turned around and left. The frog curled into himself on the floor. Nadya watched as her dad and his friend moved back into the room, unperturbed by the event. Absolutely no one was paying attention to her, so she decided to make her way down the hall towards the newest prisoner.
Constantine sat upright, leaning his back against the wall of the jail cell. He sighed, bent knees upward, and rested his arms on his kneecaps as he stared at the ground. Nadya walked up to the cage and threaded her small fingers through the door. She was fascinated. The only other creature she knew of who looked remotely like this frog was one she had seen on television not too long ago, on some variety show. She couldn’t remember the name, but she knew most frogs didn’t walk on two legs and have human-esque features, not like this one.
“Hi.” she said. Constantine looked up at the girl. Her eyes were wide and innocent, merely filled with curiosity. He scowled at her.
“Beat it kid,” he said, looking away from her.
“What are you in for?” she asked. He looked up again and just stared at her. Well she was a bold one. An evil smirk spread across his face. He knew how to get rid of her.
“For cutting out the tongues of nosy little girls who don’t mind their own business!” he spat. She gave him a deadpanned expression.
“Mister, I’m around meanie goons like all the time. My dad works here. You’re not gonna scare me.”
“Heh, perhaps that is because you simply have not met the face of true evil,” he said, giving her his best menacing stare. She tilted her head before giggling,
“That’s not an evil face! It’s silly. A little creepy, yeah but-” she trailed off. Constantine scowled and muttered to himself before turning his back to her.
“Pesky brat,” he muttered. There was quiet.
“You don’t want to get tangled with the likes of me, kid. Go on back to your papa,” he said. Nadya pouted a bit.
“How old are you?” she asked. The frog didn’t answer.
“’Cause you look really young. Where are you mom and dad?” she added. No answer.
“Don’t you have any family?” he cringed at that.
“Little girl, do I look like I am wearing sign that says I want to be IRRITATED?! Now beat it before I rip that scraggly hair out of your thick head!” he cried. Nadya jumped a bit at his outburst and he panted heavily. There was a beat. He leaned against the wall again with his back turned to her, hoping she’d leave him alone.
“I can come talk to you tomorrow if you want,” she said. She didn’t know why, but she was really drawn to him. Maybe because he seemed like something out of a fairy-tale: a talking frog? What kid wouldn’t be interested in that? Constantine said nothing.
“Okay, well bye,” Nadya said, turning and walking away. She didn’t even see Constantine reach into his sleeves and pull out the key ring he had lifted off of the guard during the earlier scuffle.
Later, she had gotten a hold of Constantine’s file while her dad wasn’t looking. The frog was only 12 years old, and apparently had gone around stealing from stores and blowing up food stands. He had quite the rap sheet for such a young kid. There didn’t seem to be any trace of family in his file though. Was he all alone? Maybe that’s why he was bad, he wanted attention?
The next day, when Nadya stopped by his cell, he wasn’t there. She blinked in confusion, wondering what had happened when she heard voices behind her. The guards were approaching again, but this time, they had Constantine wrapped up in a crazy jacket. They pushed Nadya out of the way and shoved him into his cage again. Constantine chuckled evilly,
“You fools. If you think these binds will hold me you are sadly mistaken. You will never know what I am plotting…or when I’ll strike,” he hissed. The guards just rolled their eyes and walked away. His escape the previous night had been pure luck. It wouldn’t happen again. As they left, Constantine’s attention was drawn to the little girl.
“Eh?! You still here?”
“You escaped last night?” she asked.
“Ooh, aren’t you a sharp one?” he said, sarcastically. Her eyes grew wide.
“You’re not like the normal bad guys, are you?” she asked. He grinned,
“You are just now figuring that out? Little girl, let me tell you something. Take a good look. Embed this picture in your mind, because this will be the last time you’ll ever see the face that is Constantine…ever,” he hissed.
“But it never was last time,” Nadya said. Constantine shrugged,
“Eh, Gulag came to be like a vacation home for me,” he said, sitting on the cot against the wall of his cell.
“Three meals a day, plus I get to work on my guns, huh? Heheh!” Constantine said, flexing his bicep. Nadya scoffed, and Constantine looked at her.
“Tell me Nadya, did you ever miss me when I was…away?” he asked. She shot him a glare.
“What are you talking about? Why would I miss a scumbag like you?” she asked.
“Hmm…perhaps because you still find me…enticing? Admit it. Is why you could never leave me alone, ” he said, his voice in a teasing lull. Nadya’s cheeks flushed and she turned away.
“You… are nothing but a lowlife criminal.”
“Ah yes, this is true. Buuut has nothing to do with my question,” he said, standing and walking up to the door. “I seem to recall annoying little girl always nosing around my cell where she didn’t belong.” Nadya turned to face him fully, and bent down to his level.
“Let me be perfectly clear. I am not little girl anymore. I am not fascinated by talking frog. I am cruel and cold-hearted. And above all else, I will do everything in my power to make sure you are punished for your crimes,” she said, sliding her taser out of her pocket just enough for him to see it. Constantine looked at the taser before glancing back up at Nadya, unfazed.
“Cruel, you may be. But cold-hearted you most certainly are not,” he said, knowingly. She frowned at him before aiming her taser at him
“You want to try me?” she hissed. And he couldn’t help but to smirk at her even more. He always loved getting a rise out of her; she was spunky. He could see that Kermit had really hurt her judging from the look she had on her face when the Mahppet van had pulled away. But Nadya was a lively person. If she was spirited, she could do her job well and it meant that he had a noteworthy enemy at hand. It helped him to up his game. Constantine knew she was a fighter, and hated to see her as less than anything but—which is why it didn’t sit well with him that Kermit’s presence in his absence had affected her so. He stared at her as he thought about this, and his face fell.
“You forget, I’ve known you long time Nadya. I can tell, the Kermit frog got to you, with his talk of the family and the friends, and yadda-yadda-yadda. It broke you!” Constantine said, throwing his arms out towards her. She took a breath and stood,
“I am perfectly aware that I have no family, Constantine. Do not worry. When I was rising in the ranks here, it was you who drilled it in that I had to care for myself alone. To think that Kermit frog would make me feel otherwise is ridiculous,” she said. For a while, there was quiet. Then, they heard the steps of two other guards approach them from down the hallway. One had a loose strait-jacket in hand, and the other was pushing a wheelchair. Constantine’s face took on a deadpan expression.
“Honestly, is this even necessary?” he asked. Nadya finally allowed a small smirk to grace her own lips,
“Now you know, we can’t take any chances with you,” she said, happy to have a distraction from the subject at hand. He sighed and waved a flipper dismissively.
“Alright, alright. I suppose. I have left you all no choice,” he said. With that, Nadya opened the cage door once the two men reached them. They went inside and warily approached Constantine who growled and hissed at them before saying, “boo.” At this, they jumped back. Nadya rolled her eyes.
“Oh, for the love of,” she started, and pushed her way forward to wrap Constantine up herself. He’d never admit it out loud, but he enjoyed the attention, and took in a whiff of her Coconut scented shampoo as she snapped on the last strap. With that, she placed him in the wheelchair before standing with her hands on her hips.
“There, you all are such babies. Must I do everything?” she asked.
“They do not know our dance, Nadya. We have done this for long time,” Constantine said.
“Yeah, yeah.” There was a beat.
“You do know, that the Mahppet family is simply not the one you belong too,” he said lowly. And she paused a moment before looking at him. He stared back with a neutral expression, but she knew he meant something behind what he said. She shook the thought from her mind.
“Take him away,” Nadya replied, gesturing as such with her hand. The two men nodded and pushed Constantine out of the cell and down the hall. Nadya couldn’t help but smile to herself as she made her way back to her office.
He was right. In every sense of the word, he was right. He knew her better than anyone else there. He was the one who, although he was a criminal, had pushed her to not be a pushover. So, when she reached her locker and opened it, she took a moment to stare at the shrine…the shrine she had made of Kermit. Though really, in her mind, it was Constantine.
She had let Kermit replace Constantine because of just that: he was a good place holder. And yes, he had brought a bit of warmth into her heart during his small stay there. It was nice, and she didn’t want that feeling to go away so soon. But they were of two different worlds, and he was not her Constantine.
Her Constantine was tough, and didn’t take orders from anyone. In fact, she didn’t start really feeling an attraction to Kermit until he began yelling at the prisoners. She honestly had a thing for men who could take charge. It was misplaced infatuation though, really…and she knew it. She knew it as she tore the pictures down one by one—as she peeled away the layers of playing the music and lighting the lights on a daily basis. Because in the end it wasn’t about the Muppets or their family, but about the stick-figure of the frog dawn drawn sloppily on a picture that was created when she was 8 years old, and was pasted to the very back of her locker.
Author’s Note: I sort of have this idea that Constantine breaking out of jail is a recurring thing, so it doesn’t really surprise Nadya. He breaks out and she’ll frequently try to stop him, but fails. But in the end the authorities always get him and he’s dragged back to the Gulag where he’ll stay a while until he formulates his next crime/escape.
Comments/Reviews are welcome! Thank you!
-Brittany L. Reid
It looks like I’m apparently in a “Muppet-y Fanfiction” mode for a while. (lol). So, here’s another one!
This is a Nadya/Constantine story. The inspiration for this hit me late last night. We know that in the movie Nadya spent all of her time with Kermit the frog, but let us not forget that Kermit had merely swapped places with Constantine. So lately, I’ve been thinking about what, if any, kind of history did Nadya have with Constantine while he was in the Gulag just prior to the film? Did she have a connection with him that influenced why she was probably so drawn to Kermit? Likewise, does he have a connection with her despite his “criminal” persona?
While this thought was the basis for this particular story, the plot itself is set to take place [perhaps several months] after the movie.
Also, this story is more like a single, isolated incident with no real connection to the movie, except for one reference made by Nadya.
Summary: A type of toxic gas has been released inside of the Gulag. What affect does the resulting chaos have on Nadya and Constantine?
A “Muppets Most Wanted” Fanfiction
Written by: Brittany L. Reid
Posted on 4/14/2014 at 7:27 PM
“Nadya! Come on, we’ve got to get out of here!” he yelled to her over the hurricane of chaos. It stank. It stank and the smell was getting worse, stronger. People were screaming all around them as Constantine grabbed Nadya’s hand and yanked her off the floor, pulling her along behind him. She coughed profusely and pulled her scarf up higher around her nose. She felt like her throat was closing up and she could hardly breathe. She didn’t know what had happened or what was going on; there was so much confusion and she was slightly dizzy. Her vision blurred before her as she tried to keep up with the smaller amphibian who had a tight grip on her wrist. She was running off of pure adrenaline at this point, feeling like she wasn’t even there, like it was all a dream. She didn’t know where she was going, all she knew was she had to keep moving…
“….dya….adya!” someone was calling her name.
“Nadya! Hey! Come on woman, you will not quit on me!” a thick, Russian voice said. Then, a small, clammy…hand? …patted her face.
“Nadya! Hey! I know you’re tougher than this you ol’ broad, wake up!” the voice said. She groaned and slowly opened her eyes. Everything was still blurry, but she could just make out two ping-pong balls staring at her with a small amount of concern.
“Oi, can you hear me?”
“Uggh…” she groaned and brought hand up to her head. She was still so dizzy.
“Dammit Constantine, what did you do?” she asked, her voice cracked and just above a whisper. “This is a new low, even for you,” she added.
“Whaaa-?! Y-you’re blaming this on me?!”
“Who else?!” she cried, rolling over on her side. The feel of the snow against her face was welcoming for the fevered sweat she felt on her brow. Constantine frowned.
“I would never pull a stunt like this! It is not my style! It was too unorganized and held too much room for human error. If the evacuation had not been successful we would have-!”
“E-evacuation? Oh!” Nadya’s eyes grew wide as she suddenly tried so sit up. Bad idea. She immediately grabbed at her stomach and leaned over, feeling like she’d puke at any moment.
“Hey-hey-hey, easy!” Constantine said, patting her back. “The last thing I need is you blowing chunks all over me.”
“Ugh…my…my men. A-and t-the prisoners…” she groaned. Gods, if anything had happened to them…her head was spinning. There was a pause before Constantine spoke.
“They… are fine,” he said. She glanced up and saw him staring off into the distance. Then, she could hear it. The voices were faint, but she could hear some semblance of order just over the hill and down below. Several voices were trying to make sure people were accounted for. She couldn’t tell who the convicts were and who the authorities were. All she heard was men calling out for their comrades, or crying for assistance to help those who were incapacitated.
“Your men…did their job well. And my cronies looked out for each other. I am sure that most of them got out relatively safely,” Constantine said. Nadya frowned before turning her head, giving the frog a seething glare. Her breathing was still heavy.
“I cannot believe… you were willing to poison everyone… just to make your escape,” Nadya hissed. “Why…why you saved me is beyond me. What? Do you… plan to-to hold me for ransom? Y-you’ll never get away with it,” she said. Constantine stared at her cooly for a moment before a small smirk played on his face.
“Ahhh, I do not know whether to be flattered or insulted. A ransom? Eh, is not bad idea. But, niet. I have told you, this was not my plan. It was much too sloppy. And a keeping a hostage is the last thing on my mind. Too high-maintenance,” he said. He then shifted from resting on his knees to sitting Indian Style in the snow. “Ah, Nadya. You do not give me enough credit. I may be evil, but I’d never go so far as to use poisonous gas. It is beneath me,” he added.
“Ha! So says the…” she paused and swallowed to catch her breath. Geeze, she felt like she would keel over any minute. “S-so…so says the World’s Most Dangerous frog. NOTHING is beneath you, Constantine. Or did you think…I’d forgotten that you tried… to blow up the Muppets?! A-a stunt like this is…is right up your alley,” Nadya wheezed. She was having more trouble pushing her words out at this point. Constantine’s eyes grew wide and fumed at this. He opened his mouth to retort, then closed it, grumbling as he turned away. This woman was infuriating. Why couldn’t she just be thankful that he had saved her?
Nadya sighed as she lay down in the snow again. Getting worked up wasn’t helping her any; she had to calm down. But she was no fool. Constantine would sacrifice anyone for his own gain. She knew it. The weary woman closed her eyes, trying to gather herself. For a while there was silence. She never noticed the small shade of red rising to the frog’s face.
“You know…that… that was only the one time. Besides…I did not…like them,” he said lowly. Nadya slowly opened her eyes and glanced over at Constantine. He still had his back turned to her, and said nothing more. His statement made her freeze in thought. What did that mean? He was an evil criminal, he didn’t like anyone. And yet, when he glanced just over his shoulder to look back at her, she could tell he was holding back something. It was as if a war was waging behind his countenance. The frog sighed before standing up.
“We must find way to get you to hospital before is too late. I believe you may have breathed in more of that gas than what is a safe for humans,” he said. He knew he had to be checked out somewhere as well, but she appeared to be much worse off at the moment.
“…Will most likely be quarantined for a while. You will not be able to return for quite some time,” he said. “Can you sit up?” He asked. She groaned and shook her head. He sighed again with his hands on his hips.
“Right. I will at least find way to get you transportation, yes? You should not be moving much in your condition anyway,” he said, looking around for some sign of a passing vehicle, or some way that he could move her.
“…Well now, what kind of criminal would I be if I did not at least take advantage of this opportunity to pursue my next heist?”….that was what he wanted to say. But he felt it wasn’t the time. Yes, he would take off, but after ensuring she was alright.
“We will…get you taken care of first. After all, a criminal is nothing if his adversary is down for the count, yes? You are like the Batman to my Joker,” he said with a smirk. Nadya was skeptical; she still didn’t trust him. But she knew they were wasting valuable time.
“I may… owe you one, Constantine. But do not think this has changed our relationship in the slightest,” she whispered, closing her eyes again.
“Yeah, yeah. Just shut your yap and rest, huh? I’ve got this,” he said, putting a flipper to her forehead. Nadya felt her cheeks flush, but chalked it up to the cold weather…or to the weakened state her body was in.
She didn’t know what kind of game Constantine was playing; but she had to admit, she was touched by his concern.
Replies/Comments/Reviews are welcome. Thank you!
-Brittany L. Reid
In addition to being an aspiring Multimedia Journalist, I also like to do a bit of creative writing in my spare time. I compose a variety of pieces that are either based on different prompts found online, or that just strike me whenever inspiration hits.
This piece was inspired after watching a bevy of Youtube interviews for the film Muppets Most Wanted. The interviews consisted of Kermit, Piggy, Constantine, Ricky Gervais, and the rest of the cast & crew talking about what it was like making the film. I recall one interview in particular where Piggy stated that Constantine was the same on camera as he was off camera, and that he was always stealing things (i.e. her lines, her spotlight, etc.).
The interview that served the most inspiration for this piece, however, can be seen below (particularly when Constantine and Kermit both switch voices to trick Piggy (around 1:49).
From this, I like to imagine that Constantine just enjoys pushing Miss Piggy’s buttons, and probably got her frazzled a lot on the set just for his own enjoyment. He seems to love switching places with Kermit if, for no other reason, than to cause chaos by doing things like fooling Miss Piggy. (A running joke in the interviews is that Piggy got the two frogs confused off camera just as much as she did on camera).
CONSTANTINE AND PIGGY
It was fun; too much fun. Really, it shouldn’t be this fun, but it was. It was hysterical. The entire gang was crazy but she was just too much
At the moment, Gonzo was talking to Rizzo while there was a pause between takes for their latest film. The two were simply minding their own business until a certain high-maintenance diva came up and just…stood there. Now, to any ordinary bystander, one probably thought that she wanted to be included in their conversation. But the longer she stood there, the more impatient she became and she began to do her trademark bounce of agitation. Meanwhile, the Gonzo and Rizzo were completely oblivious until…
“ARGH! WOULD YOU TWO JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY! HONESTLY! YOU’RE IN MY SPACE! MOVE IT!!” she snapped. Gonzo jumped in surprise while Rizzo ended up yelping and scampering underneath the cloth dangling from a nearby table. With the duo parted, Miss Piggy nodded and continued on her way. Rizzo slowly peered out from under the cloth.
“Geeze, she could’ve just went AROUND us! Hoity-toity much?!” the rat, complained. Gonzo shook his head,
“I know Rizzo, I know. Just let it go,” he said, patting his friend on the back.
“No, no, NO! I WILL NOT LET IT GO! She can’t just go bossing people around this way and that! I’m sick and tired of it Gonzo; sick and tired! She’s done this to us too many times!” he cried.
“I know buddy. But, she kinda can. It’s in her contract,” Gonzo said.
“And don’t you forget it, buster!” she called over her shoulder. At this, Constantine, who had watched the whole exchange from not too far away, snickered to himself. It was hilarious! Here, Miss Diva Pig was walking around having everyone cater to her beck and call. Practically the entire cast and crew was intimidated by her…yet, he was the only one who could truly make her stutter and stumble over herself. He was the only one who could pop her bubble, and oh how he enjoyed doing so.
Now, the evil frog actually had a fair amount of respect for the pig. He didn’t know many women who could hold their own like her. He had to admit that she was a fantastic fighter. Plus, she wasn’t half bad looking….for swine. However, she was IMMENSELY annoying. If it wasn’t for the fact that she got on his last nerve, he would have almost considered her valuable frenemy; a somewhat formidable nemesis. But as it was, he couldn’t stand her.
Now, in light of the exchange that had just happened, one might be inclined to think that on set, off screen, and behind the camera, Constantine bothered Miss Piggy to give her a taste of her own medicine. One might believe that he served as some sort of force that neutralized the balance between her and everyone else: Miss Piggy agitates the team, so Constantine agitates Piggy. But that wasn’t the case at all.
…he just liked messing with her.
She was like a puppet to him (pun intended). So, it was at this moment that he decided to follow Piggy to the snack table where she was currently stuffing her face. He came up right behind her, put his flippers over her eyes, and turned on his best Kermit impression (which in reality wasn’t all that good, but the pig couldn’t tell the difference).
“Guess who, my darling!” he said, trying to contain his laughter. Piggy froze.
“Wha-? Oh! Oh-ho-ho, I know my little Kermie-poo’s adorable hands anywhere!” she said with glee in her high-pitched voice. Constantine sneered in disgust and confusion,
“Kermie-poo?” he mouthed to himself, before sticking out his tongue shaking his head. He then released Piggy’s eyes and wrapped his arms around her. She still could not see him.
“My darling, I saw what happened. You seem a bit…stressed,” he said.
“Ugh, I just don’t know WHY I have to put up with these WEIRDOS! Can’t we just…ya know, shoot this stuff without them and then go back and add their scenes in later?”
“It is the director’s call, honey. You know that. Now, there, there,” he took her by the shoulders and guided her to a nearby chair.
“Sit here and relax; let me melt your stress away,” he said, rubbing her shoulders. Piggy’s eyes closed as she felt the tension leave her muscles.
“Oh, Kermie. That feels nice. I didn’t know you were a masseur,” she sighed.
“Only for you, my dear,” Constantine said, his normal accent dipping just slightly into his tone as he eyed the pearl necklace around her neck. He smirked as he worked his fingers inward from her shoulders, coming closer and closer to the shining jewelry before him. It wasn’t long before Piggy began drift off. A few moments later, Constantine made his move, cautiously unhooking the necklace and pulling it over her head. Her eyes remained closed and she didn’t notice a thing as she continued to doze. The villainous frog held in an evil laugh as he pocketed his new possession. He then walked around to the side of the chair to just stare at the pig. …she was sound asleep…snoring with doughnut powder all over her face.
Constantine rolled his eyes. Overall, he felt sorry for her. He had a feeling that she went around bullying others because she didn’t really trust them, so she had built up this wall to protect herself from ever being hurt. Constantine, in contrast, didn’t really bully people. He just liked tricking them, stealing their possessions, wrecking things, causing chaos, and blowing stuff up for fun. Granted, he was the world’s most dangerously evil frog, but he had some standards. (He’d never return a library book late, for example). So, with his most recent mission completed, he prepared to slip away. …But not before reaching for a coat that was nearby (he didn’t know whose) and draping it over the pig.
He only did this because apparently, the piece of pork was too stupid to realize that she’d awaken with a chill, otherwise.
About ten minutes later, Piggy woke to the feeling of someone shaking her.
“Piggy? Piggy? C’mon Piggy, we’ve gotta get ready to shoot the next scene.”
“Hmm…no Kermie, not yet…” she murmured, feeling warm and relaxed as she curled into herself more under the coat that was draped around her.
“Ah…we kinda don’t have a choice, we’re on a tight schedule…”
“Uuuuggh…geeze. Look, if you wanted me awake you shouldn’t have given me that…fabulous massage earlier,” she moaned, stretching and trying to wake herself up as she rubbed the matter from her eyes. Kermit blinked in confusion.
“Huh? Um…Piggy, w-when did I give you a massage?”
“Oh, don’t be silly Kermit. Just a little while ago, you came over and helped me relax because I was feeling stressed! That was so sweet of you,” she cooed. Kermit looked around a bit in confusion.
“Ahhh…..Piggy, I’ve been going over the script with the director all afternoon. I haven’t seen you for about three hours at least. What are you talking about?” he asked. It was then that Miss Piggy froze, eyes wide open. She immediately tensed as she hopped from the chair and advanced on her frog, frustration oozing out of her.
“This isn’t funny, Kermit!”
“I-I-I…ah-…w-who’s laughing?!” Kermit asked, quivering in fear.
“Don’t play dumb, frog! If it wasn’t you gave me a massage, earlier, who did?!” she asked, bringing a hand up to the side of her neck where she still could feel the lingering sensation of…wait a minute…
“Piggy, i-is there something wrong?”
“Ah…ah…oh no! Oh no! Where is it, I’ve lost it?! How can that be?!”
“Lost what, Piggy?”
“MY NECKLACE!! How could you not notice, I’m not wearing my pearl necklace! Where is it?! What happened, did it fall of somewhere?! Ooh!” she cried, panicked. She then got down on her hands and knees, looking for any sign of her shining jewels. Kermit stepped back in surprise. Piggy never got down on the floor for anything unless it was for a scene…and even then getting her to commit was like pulling teeth.
“C-calm down, Piggy we’ll find it!”
“No, Kermit you don’t understand! Those pearls were worth…”
“I know, I know! Don’t worry, we’ll find it!” Kermit said, also getting to his knees to help her look. The couple was unaware of the dark figure who was evilly grinning from the shadows of some curtains hanging nearby. Constantine’s trademark chuckle rose out of his mouth as he could barely contain his glee. Look at them, crawling around on the ground like the animals they were! No, lesser than that! They were more like roaches…or ants! It was so easy! Man, he loved being a villain!
While working on this film, he always enjoyed watching the pig get so frazzled that she was almost nothing like her strong, self-assured self, and the frog was usually hardly ever far behind. (Although, Constantine did like Kermit; he was the one signing the paychecks, after all). Constantine fingered the pearls he had wrapped around his wrist as he watched them squirm all about. It was too invigorating. He was amazed how such a small act of chaos could make him so giddy, but seeing others in distress was like eating cotton candy at the circus to him.
Yet, just as soon as it had started, the thrill began to wear off. Constantine frowned and sighed. He needed to do something to up the frenzy…like maybe framing the bear as the one who had taken the pearls in the first place. Or perhaps framing the curly-nosed one; she seemed to have a great amount of hatred for him. OOH! Or the boy…the newest member of the group. Yeah, shaking up the bonds of his trust should be good for a laugh.
Yes, Constantine loved causing discord. But for some reason, irritating the pig was the thing that brought him the most joy.
After all, it was always fun to knock down a brick wall that seemingly no one else could.
I may write a few more Muppet fanfictions. I have several plots running around in my head at the moment, so we’ll see!
-Brittany L. Reid
In addition to being an aspiring Multimedia Journalist, I also like to do a bit of creative writing in my spare time. I compose a variety of pieces that are either based on different prompts found online, or that just strike me whenever inspiration hits.
I recently was inspired to do a very small piece after watching the film Muppets Most Wanted. This short piece involves Walter reflecting on what happened in the film, and Animal trying to make him feel better.
*Warning: This story does contain spoilers of the movie. If you have not seen Muppets Most Wanted yet and wish to avoid spoilers, do not read this.
The story can also be found on my Tumblr HERE.
A “Muppets Most Wanted” Fanfiction
Written by: Brittany L. Reid
Posted on 3/27/2014 at 6:50 PM
Walter stared up at the ceiling as the train’s cars rocked back and forth along the tracks.
That had been a close one. Too close. Constantine had almost married Miss Piggy, blown up the Muppets, and they had almost lost Kermit for good. The boy pressed his lips together firmly. If only he had gone with his gut instinct sooner, they could’ve rescued Kermit earlier and avoided this whole mess. How could they have missed it?
After rescuing Miss Piggy and doing one last performance back in Siberia, the Muppets boarded their train to make the long trip back home, all agreeing that they deserved a much needed vacation. Everyone had apologized profusely to Kermit. Miss Piggy was especially shaken. She and Kermit had spent the last couple of hours in Kermit’s car alone together, just…talking things out…and trying to reconnect. The group gave them their space.
And Walter…he was a bit at odds with himself. He had considered himself the greatest Muppet fan, ever! Why hadn’t he been more assertive in the fact that something was fishy with their leader from the start? What kind of number one fan was he? The boy rolled over onto his side, staring at one of the many Muppet posters plastered on his wall as he pondered over whether or not he even deserved to be a part of the team. He almost didn’t hear his door open, but he most certainly heard the heavy breathing at the entryway.
A rather shaggy, red creature stood there, panting with heavily drooped eyelids. Despite the fact that their family was filled with bears, rats, pigs, chickens, and anything else under the sun, Animal was definitely the most feral of the group. As such, he was more in-tune with his natural instincts, and had known something was up from the start. He also could tell that out of everyone’s energy on the train right now, Walter was perhaps the most conflicted. Oh sure, they all were a bit chagrined over what had happened, but Walter was thoroughly disappointed in himself. And yet, Animal knew that more than anyone else, he really didn’t have a reason to be.
So the creature made his was over to the boy, who hadn’t still hadn’t turned over. Animal stood there for a moment, just staring. Then, he gently nudged Walter with his head. Walter sighed before turning over fully to just look at Animal, wondering what he wanted. Animal panted for a moment before his eyes grew wide, allowing only two words to escape his mouth,
“GOOD. BOY,” he grunted.
Walter’s own eyes grew wide, and he let out a breath before a small smile crossed his face. He then reached over and gently rubbed Animal’s head. Animal leaned into his touch. Walter chuckled a bit before reaching out and wrapping both arms around the Muppet Family’s shaggy “dog.” It was small but somehow, this moment made him feel a lot better.
“Thanks, Animal. You’re a good boy too,” he said.