In addition to being an aspiring Multimedia Journalist, I also like to do a bit of creative writing in my spare time. I compose a variety of pieces that are either based on different prompts found online, or that just strike me whenever inspiration hits.
This piece was inspired after watching a bevy of Youtube interviews for the film Muppets Most Wanted. The interviews consisted of Kermit, Piggy, Constantine, Ricky Gervais, and the rest of the cast & crew talking about what it was like making the film. I recall one interview in particular where Piggy stated that Constantine was the same on camera as he was off camera, and that he was always stealing things (i.e. her lines, her spotlight, etc.).
The interview that served the most inspiration for this piece, however, can be seen below (particularly when Constantine and Kermit both switch voices to trick Piggy (around 1:49).
From this, I like to imagine that Constantine just enjoys pushing Miss Piggy’s buttons, and probably got her frazzled a lot on the set just for his own enjoyment. He seems to love switching places with Kermit if, for no other reason, than to cause chaos by doing things like fooling Miss Piggy. (A running joke in the interviews is that Piggy got the two frogs confused off camera just as much as she did on camera).
CONSTANTINE AND PIGGY
It was fun; too much fun. Really, it shouldn’t be this fun, but it was. It was hysterical. The entire gang was crazy but she was just too much
At the moment, Gonzo was talking to Rizzo while there was a pause between takes for their latest film. The two were simply minding their own business until a certain high-maintenance diva came up and just…stood there. Now, to any ordinary bystander, one probably thought that she wanted to be included in their conversation. But the longer she stood there, the more impatient she became and she began to do her trademark bounce of agitation. Meanwhile, the Gonzo and Rizzo were completely oblivious until…
“ARGH! WOULD YOU TWO JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY! HONESTLY! YOU’RE IN MY SPACE! MOVE IT!!” she snapped. Gonzo jumped in surprise while Rizzo ended up yelping and scampering underneath the cloth dangling from a nearby table. With the duo parted, Miss Piggy nodded and continued on her way. Rizzo slowly peered out from under the cloth.
“Geeze, she could’ve just went AROUND us! Hoity-toity much?!” the rat, complained. Gonzo shook his head,
“I know Rizzo, I know. Just let it go,” he said, patting his friend on the back.
“No, no, NO! I WILL NOT LET IT GO! She can’t just go bossing people around this way and that! I’m sick and tired of it Gonzo; sick and tired! She’s done this to us too many times!” he cried.
“I know buddy. But, she kinda can. It’s in her contract,” Gonzo said.
“And don’t you forget it, buster!” she called over her shoulder. At this, Constantine, who had watched the whole exchange from not too far away, snickered to himself. It was hilarious! Here, Miss Diva Pig was walking around having everyone cater to her beck and call. Practically the entire cast and crew was intimidated by her…yet, he was the only one who could truly make her stutter and stumble over herself. He was the only one who could pop her bubble, and oh how he enjoyed doing so.
Now, the evil frog actually had a fair amount of respect for the pig. He didn’t know many women who could hold their own like her. He had to admit that she was a fantastic fighter. Plus, she wasn’t half bad looking….for swine. However, she was IMMENSELY annoying. If it wasn’t for the fact that she got on his last nerve, he would have almost considered her valuable frenemy; a somewhat formidable nemesis. But as it was, he couldn’t stand her.
Now, in light of the exchange that had just happened, one might be inclined to think that on set, off screen, and behind the camera, Constantine bothered Miss Piggy to give her a taste of her own medicine. One might believe that he served as some sort of force that neutralized the balance between her and everyone else: Miss Piggy agitates the team, so Constantine agitates Piggy. But that wasn’t the case at all.
…he just liked messing with her.
She was like a puppet to him (pun intended). So, it was at this moment that he decided to follow Piggy to the snack table where she was currently stuffing her face. He came up right behind her, put his flippers over her eyes, and turned on his best Kermit impression (which in reality wasn’t all that good, but the pig couldn’t tell the difference).
“Guess who, my darling!” he said, trying to contain his laughter. Piggy froze.
“Wha-? Oh! Oh-ho-ho, I know my little Kermie-poo’s adorable hands anywhere!” she said with glee in her high-pitched voice. Constantine sneered in disgust and confusion,
“Kermie-poo?” he mouthed to himself, before sticking out his tongue shaking his head. He then released Piggy’s eyes and wrapped his arms around her. She still could not see him.
“My darling, I saw what happened. You seem a bit…stressed,” he said.
“Ugh, I just don’t know WHY I have to put up with these WEIRDOS! Can’t we just…ya know, shoot this stuff without them and then go back and add their scenes in later?”
“It is the director’s call, honey. You know that. Now, there, there,” he took her by the shoulders and guided her to a nearby chair.
“Sit here and relax; let me melt your stress away,” he said, rubbing her shoulders. Piggy’s eyes closed as she felt the tension leave her muscles.
“Oh, Kermie. That feels nice. I didn’t know you were a masseur,” she sighed.
“Only for you, my dear,” Constantine said, his normal accent dipping just slightly into his tone as he eyed the pearl necklace around her neck. He smirked as he worked his fingers inward from her shoulders, coming closer and closer to the shining jewelry before him. It wasn’t long before Piggy began drift off. A few moments later, Constantine made his move, cautiously unhooking the necklace and pulling it over her head. Her eyes remained closed and she didn’t notice a thing as she continued to doze. The villainous frog held in an evil laugh as he pocketed his new possession. He then walked around to the side of the chair to just stare at the pig. …she was sound asleep…snoring with doughnut powder all over her face.
Constantine rolled his eyes. Overall, he felt sorry for her. He had a feeling that she went around bullying others because she didn’t really trust them, so she had built up this wall to protect herself from ever being hurt. Constantine, in contrast, didn’t really bully people. He just liked tricking them, stealing their possessions, wrecking things, causing chaos, and blowing stuff up for fun. Granted, he was the world’s most dangerously evil frog, but he had some standards. (He’d never return a library book late, for example). So, with his most recent mission completed, he prepared to slip away. …But not before reaching for a coat that was nearby (he didn’t know whose) and draping it over the pig.
He only did this because apparently, the piece of pork was too stupid to realize that she’d awaken with a chill, otherwise.
About ten minutes later, Piggy woke to the feeling of someone shaking her.
“Piggy? Piggy? C’mon Piggy, we’ve gotta get ready to shoot the next scene.”
“Hmm…no Kermie, not yet…” she murmured, feeling warm and relaxed as she curled into herself more under the coat that was draped around her.
“Ah…we kinda don’t have a choice, we’re on a tight schedule…”
“Uuuuggh…geeze. Look, if you wanted me awake you shouldn’t have given me that…fabulous massage earlier,” she moaned, stretching and trying to wake herself up as she rubbed the matter from her eyes. Kermit blinked in confusion.
“Huh? Um…Piggy, w-when did I give you a massage?”
“Oh, don’t be silly Kermit. Just a little while ago, you came over and helped me relax because I was feeling stressed! That was so sweet of you,” she cooed. Kermit looked around a bit in confusion.
“Ahhh…..Piggy, I’ve been going over the script with the director all afternoon. I haven’t seen you for about three hours at least. What are you talking about?” he asked. It was then that Miss Piggy froze, eyes wide open. She immediately tensed as she hopped from the chair and advanced on her frog, frustration oozing out of her.
“This isn’t funny, Kermit!”
“I-I-I…ah-…w-who’s laughing?!” Kermit asked, quivering in fear.
“Don’t play dumb, frog! If it wasn’t you gave me a massage, earlier, who did?!” she asked, bringing a hand up to the side of her neck where she still could feel the lingering sensation of…wait a minute…
“Piggy, i-is there something wrong?”
“Ah…ah…oh no! Oh no! Where is it, I’ve lost it?! How can that be?!”
“Lost what, Piggy?”
“MY NECKLACE!! How could you not notice, I’m not wearing my pearl necklace! Where is it?! What happened, did it fall of somewhere?! Ooh!” she cried, panicked. She then got down on her hands and knees, looking for any sign of her shining jewels. Kermit stepped back in surprise. Piggy never got down on the floor for anything unless it was for a scene…and even then getting her to commit was like pulling teeth.
“C-calm down, Piggy we’ll find it!”
“No, Kermit you don’t understand! Those pearls were worth…”
“I know, I know! Don’t worry, we’ll find it!” Kermit said, also getting to his knees to help her look. The couple was unaware of the dark figure who was evilly grinning from the shadows of some curtains hanging nearby. Constantine’s trademark chuckle rose out of his mouth as he could barely contain his glee. Look at them, crawling around on the ground like the animals they were! No, lesser than that! They were more like roaches…or ants! It was so easy! Man, he loved being a villain!
While working on this film, he always enjoyed watching the pig get so frazzled that she was almost nothing like her strong, self-assured self, and the frog was usually hardly ever far behind. (Although, Constantine did like Kermit; he was the one signing the paychecks, after all). Constantine fingered the pearls he had wrapped around his wrist as he watched them squirm all about. It was too invigorating. He was amazed how such a small act of chaos could make him so giddy, but seeing others in distress was like eating cotton candy at the circus to him.
Yet, just as soon as it had started, the thrill began to wear off. Constantine frowned and sighed. He needed to do something to up the frenzy…like maybe framing the bear as the one who had taken the pearls in the first place. Or perhaps framing the curly-nosed one; she seemed to have a great amount of hatred for him. OOH! Or the boy…the newest member of the group. Yeah, shaking up the bonds of his trust should be good for a laugh.
Yes, Constantine loved causing discord. But for some reason, irritating the pig was the thing that brought him the most joy.
After all, it was always fun to knock down a brick wall that seemingly no one else could.
I may write a few more Muppet fanfictions. I have several plots running around in my head at the moment, so we’ll see!
-Brittany L. Reid